I have been in an infinite number of awkward or uncomfortable situations in my life. INFINITE. I hadn’t had an extreme situation in a while. And then, I went to a bachelorette party. The bride’s motto for the party planners (her MOH/sister and her BFF) was “classy, not trashy”. I knew I was going to enjoy myself, with a motto like this!
On Saturday, we did one of those wine and paint things that are SO popular these days. There is an instructor, and he or she walks you through a painting, so everyone in the room’s painting has the same base, but since people are different, all of the paintings are unique in their own ways. Does that make sense?
Anyways, this was my kind of bachelorette party! Though I am not overly artistic, if someone is walking me through step by step of what to paint, I envisioned myself being able to do alright. Anyways, the paintings that I had seen done were like, landscapes, or silhouettes… not anything overly complicated, so I thought.
When we got to the studio, we had an hour to paint on glassware. I chose beer glasses, since the Romenesko Ranch (as Pete fondly calls our humble abode) is seriously lacking in that department, and it’s embarrassing when we have people over and can’t even offer a beer glass. How about one of our 20 oz. water glasses?
That whole beer is in that GIANT glass!!
We could paint whatever we wanted on the glassware.
I do not have much of an imagination. The girl next to me, Jess, and I asked the instructor for ideas. Dots. Dots with a q-tip. Easy. Pain-free. Usually turns out not manly at all, and I was kind of going for the manly look pretty cool. With the hour to paint the glasses, I had plenty of time for my super complex design.
Turned out neat. I like them. Pete was a little less wild about having girly beer glasses.
Obligatory art + wine photo
While we were finishing up, the MOH, who was sitting across the table from me, was getting super giddy.
“I can’t wait for the surprise!!!!!”
Jess and I were curious, so about 10 minutes before canvas painting began, the MOH whispered/mouthed across the table.
“We’re painting a NUDE MODEL!”
Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaat? Did I hear right? I did.
I immediately began stress eating (and stress drinking…) the Gardetto’s (and the wine) that I had just put on a plate for Jess and I to share. Gaaaaaaaaaaawd.
How awkward! And uncomfortable! How was I expected to paint a naked person!? Do stick figures count?? I am a HORRIBLE artist! Look at the glasses that I painted WITH A Q-TIP. Can I paint a naked model with a q-tip??
More stress eating/drinking. Did I mention that I started to sweat profusely? This whole situation was just soooooo not me. SO not me.
Jenna did a horrible an AWESOME job of keeping me calm, as usual.
Meanwhile, in walked a male who was mid-twenties in a robe. The instructor said, “This is John, and we will be painting him.”
I died. And drank more. He dropped his robe, took a seat on a stool in the front corner of the room, and there he was, in all of his glory.
The instructor gave us the option to not paint the model. Oh HELL no. I was ALL IN at this point. ALL. IN. And so, I painted.
I actually had one of the best seats in the room. Please see my below diagram of how the room was set up.
It’s hard to tell in this picture, but there is a sheen of sweat glistening on my forehead.
I’ll bet you thought that I was going to say that I was facing him directly when I said I had the best seat in the house – you pervs.
The whole time that we were painting, I focused a LOT on the instructor and her direction of what color to put where, etc. I was DETERMINED to have my painting look like a person, so I followed her instructions EXACTLY. Poor girl, I made her keep coming over to my canvas and making sure I was mixing the perfect colors.
With about 10 minutes to go, the instructor told us to to focus on something on the painting that we wanted to finish, because we were NOT going to be able to finish the whole thing. My choice was easy.
Since I was following EXACTLY what the instructor was telling me to do, and since she was painting the model EXACTLY as he was sitting, I didn’t have anything covering his… private parts. Other girls were smart and placed the guy’s hands over that area. Me, not so much.
There was no way that I was going to paint what I was being told to paint. No. Way. So I thought for a little bit about what he could be holding in his hands.
I settled on a wine bottle, since we were at a wine and paint party, after seriously considering a wrapped present.
The results of my picture were:
– To my surprise, he looks shockingly human with abs, pecs, and awesome hipster hair.
– Unfortunately, the instructor didn’t show me how to paint the stool he was sitting on. I made a horrible, horrible attempt at it myself with some poorly chosen brown paint… can you see where this is going? So I settled on another failed attempt at painting a bench, but since I had to mix colors myself, it just didn’t work out well for anyone.
– Since he’s not sitting on a bench or stool, it looks like he’s doing a little jig, because his knees are bent.
– He also looks like an alcoholic since he is holding a wine bottle, with no glass in sight. Not that there’s anything wrong with drinking straight from the bottle every now and then…
– Final summation of the result: He looks like he got a liiiiiiitle too wild at a party, stripped off his clothes, climbed on to the table, and started doing a little jig with his bottle of booze covering his man parts. Quite the party, it looks like!
When we were all finished and the model was fully clothed, we took a group picture. I did my best to not be standing right next to the man that I had just seen naked, but of course that means that I ended up right next to him.
I mean, you can see the resemblance, right??
I made his head a little too egg shaped… and his neck a little too long and lean… But they both have brown hair? And a nose?
Also, please notice how awkward I am standing next to him. Just glistening with sweat.
Note: the red on my face is NOT sunburn.
I obviously texted Jenna when I was done.
On Sunday driving back up north, I kept chuckling to myself because I just couldn’t believe that in my overnight bag, I had a painting of a naked man that I PAINTED.
The most common question I’ve gotten since sharing this story with ANYONE WHO WILL LISTEN BECAUSE IT IS HILARIOUS (including one of my friend’s daughter and son-in-law whom I met about 5 seconds before I started telling the story) is: Where did you put the painting??
It’s on my kitchen table, obviously, where else would it be?