Category Archives: My Awkward Life

Committing to My Face

Life is full of good intentions, like documenting your second pregnancy like you did with your first (still on my to-do list) and putting away your laundry right after you fold it. But alas, things get in the way, like wiping your toddler’s nose or binge-watching Brothers and Sisters on Hulu.

And then something happens, and you’re like the world needs to know. 

I can’t remember if I’ve shared with you the eternal struggle I’ve had with my eyebrows. I just have never really committed to them. I never tweeze them, much to my mother’s chagrin, and when I decide to actually take care of them and get them waxed, I go somewhere like Walmart where sometimes they are way too thin, and other times half of my brow gets waxed off (true story).

For the last couple of weeks I’ve been thinking that I’ve got to get my brows waxed. So, the other day, I had the babysitter keep Daniel for an extra hour so I could get them taken care of. Instead of going to Walmart or some cheap salon, I decided to commit to my eyebrows. Really commit.

I went to Ulta Beauty, went in and was like, “Alright! TEACH ME YOUR WAYS.” And I met this wonderful woman named Leah who plunked me down right there in the front of the store and was like, “Let’s see what we’re working with here.”

I explained to Leah that I wanted her to shape my brows, show me how to fill them in, if needed (very needed according to Leah, as you will see below), and you know, just help a sister out.

You guys. This little escapade took FIFTY MINUTES. I am not a hairy person. I mean, when I’m pregnant I get these annoying chin hairs that I have to tweeze out, and I get my upper lip waxed (TMI? NEVER.), but IN GENERAL I am not a hairy person.

After she took off my makeup, Leah took a very close look at me and said, “You know, you should get your eyebrows tinted.” AKA dyed. I should get my eyebrows dyed. This is a thing, for all who didn’t know. She was the second eyebrow professional (the first was at a mediocre salon so I’m not sure I trusted that woman) who told me that I should consider tinting my brows.

Being new to the whole hair dying scheme in general (I started getting highlights 6 months after I had Daniel because my hair started getting dark – 😩 boohoo, I know), I was like “Huh. Well. WHY THE HELL NOT.” I mean, here I was in a beauty store that I had never before set foot in; I was COMMITTING TO MY FACE.

So. On a complete whim, I sat in this chair putting the complete faith of my face into the hands of a woman whom I had just met. This would classify me as a risk-taker, right?? It sure as hell should, if it doesn’t.

YOU’RE WELCOME IN ADVANCE for thinking ahead to take before, during AND AFTER pictures of this whole experience.

Guys, I kept laughing like, the whole time, and saying, “I just can’t believe that I’m doing this.” and making poor Leah pause so I could look at myself in the handheld mirror, and then pause again so I could take a picture of myself, or have her take a picture of me.

Before I show you all of these pictures, this was my reaction when I saw the final product:

“WOW. Those are DARK!!!!!”

And now, for your viewing pleasure…

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After she removed my eye makeup. Also, I feel like I should say that B is always like, “I have no idea why you get your eyebrows waxed, because I can’t even see them.” 😐 Which is why I was in Ulta in the first place – to learn how to help people see my eyebrows.
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This is me trying not to LAUGH UNCONTROLLABLY because you guys. SHE TOOK A PENCIL AND DREW EYEBROWS ONTO MY FACE. At this point she had already tinted my eyebrows, but it’s kind of hard to tell because I had CARTOON EYEBROWS DRAWN ONTO MY FACE. This is apparently the right shape AND SIZE that my eyebrows should be based on my face. NOT KIDDING THAT IS WHAT SHE SAID.
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Post tint. At this point I was like, “Hey there, eyebrows! It’s so nice to see you!” And I thought “Now that I’m COMMITTING TO MY EYEBROWS I think that this is my look!”

And then, she started to fill my eyebrows in. And fill and fill and fill and fill. And I said, “Wow, there is a lot of filling going on. Is all of this filling the goal of what we hope my eyebrows grow in as? Or, is this like, going to be daily maintenance?”

Leah replied, “Both!” Uhhhh, ok.

And then she was done. And I was like WHOA. EYEBROWS.

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I am happily smiling in this picture because I was trying desperately not to laugh REALLY HARD in the store, and I wanted to be polite because this woman had just spent FIFTY MINUTES WORKING ON MY FACE. Oh, also, because I’m a SUCKER, I bought $32 worth of powder and shit because I just didn’t want her to feel bad. Also, crow’s feet, welcome to the party.

As I’m typing this post, I am laughing really, really hard.

Right when I got into the car, I called Adrianna and I was like OMG YOU ARE NOT GOING TO BELIEVE WHAT I DID. So I described the whole thing to her, laughing hysterically, and I also kept getting surprised/scared every time I caught a glimpse of myself in the rearview mirror.

Then I picked up Daniel. He didn’t notice. I am making him an eye appointment ASAP because SERIOUSLY HOW COULD YOU NOT NOTICE, DANIEL?!

Then I called Jenna and recounted the whole thing, promising pictures.

Then I called my friend Sam, who I also work with, and I was like “I know we just spent the afternoon together, but I had to call and tell you this because it is TOO GOOD to wait until tomorrow.” At this point the whole thing was so comical that I could hardly speak because I was laughing so hard. Sam said, “I’m picturing those babies with Sharpie eyebrows drawn on.”

Me: “SAM THAT IS HOW I LOOK.”

(Picture for reference.)

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And then Sam FaceTimed me and DIED LAUGHING. You guys, I was laughing SO HARD at this point that I had tears streaming down my face and Daniel kept saying, “Mama, what the matter?? What’s the matter, Mama?” Sweet boy. Sam also was like, “I want you to know that I’ve never thought this about you before, but those eyebrows make you look like a hairy person.” I AGREE.

Then I tried FaceTiming Kim, who didn’t answer and KIM I BET YOU’RE REGRETTING NOT ANSWERING NOW, AREN’T YOU?!

Then I FaceTimed my mom and was pleasantly surprised when Kathleen and Rachel were both there to witness the brows.

Then I FaceTimed Taylor, who has the same eyebrow struggles that I do, and we realized that I have the same eyebrows as her dark-brown haired fiancé. The difference is that his eyebrows look good and natural on him.

Then I texted Lindsay and was like, “I know you’re a busy woman, but if you can FaceTime me right now you won’t regret it.” I kept the camera pointed at the ceiling until the big reveal, because I wanted people to hear me out before they were too distracted by my eyebrows to listen to my story.

Then I FaceTimed Brenda and she was like, “I can’t stop staring at you, and I never really realized how important eyebrows were on someone’s face.”

And then, I FaceTimed Pete. He said two important things.

  1. “Sar, I can’t even look at you with your eyebrows like that.” (I’m choosing to interpret this as meaning, “Love of my life, you are beautiful just the way God made you.”) I replied to Pete, “Pete, this is what SOCIETY SAYS I SHOULD LOOK LIKE.” Ha!
  2. “Sar, I just don’t know why you would DO something like this.” To which I responded, “For Christ’s sake, Pete, if I had KNOWN I would end up like this I WOULDN’T HAVE GOTTEN IT DONE.”

Also, when I was on the phone with everyone I was like “Maybe it will be better with my hair down?” (It wasn’t.)

The woman who did my brows DID tell me that the tint would fade after a few face washes. So Thursday night I washed my face/scrubbed my brows, Friday morning I washed my face/scrubbed my brows AND exfoliated my face/brows. Now we are to Saturday and I actually did my hair and makeup and I can HONESTLY say (Why did I emphasize that? Like I’m not being honest enough already.) that I am digging the tint. Because HI I HAVE EYEBROWS NOW.

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I’m trying not to laugh in this picture because I made Peter take it and was obviously micromanaging how I wanted him to take it and he was like, “Seriously?” Also, after he took this picture I was like, “I mean, it looks good now, right?” And he said, “Yes!” and I said, “But would you tell me if it looked bad?” and he said, “No. Yes! I mean yes!” And now I can’t trust him.

So that’s how my life has been going, how about you?

PS: I actually made a follow-up appointment with the same woman, because I do like how she waxed my brows, but I am going to tell her “You know, my husband just thought they were way too dark when they were filled in.” Not ashamed of blaming Pete completely.

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The time I painted a … model.

I have been in an infinite number of awkward or uncomfortable situations in my life.  INFINITE.  I hadn’t had an extreme situation in a while.  And then, I went to a bachelorette party.  The bride’s motto for the party planners (her MOH/sister and her BFF) was “classy, not trashy”.  I knew I was going to enjoy myself, with a motto like this!

On Saturday, we did one of those wine and paint things that are SO popular these days.  There is an instructor, and he or she walks you through a painting, so everyone in the room’s painting has the same base, but since people are different, all of the paintings are unique in their own ways.  Does that make sense?

Anyways, this was my kind of bachelorette party!  Though I am not overly artistic, if someone is walking me through step by step of what to paint, I envisioned myself being able to do alright.  Anyways, the paintings that I had seen done were like, landscapes, or silhouettes… not anything overly complicated, so I thought.

When we got to the studio, we had an hour to paint on glassware.  I chose beer glasses, since the Romenesko Ranch (as Pete fondly calls our humble abode) is seriously lacking in that department, and it’s embarrassing when we have people over and can’t even offer a beer glass.  How about one of our 20 oz. water glasses?  

That whole beer is in that GIANT glass!!

We could paint whatever we wanted on the glassware.

Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuh.

I do not have much of an imagination.  The girl next to me, Jess, and I asked the instructor for ideas.  Dots.  Dots with a q-tip.  Easy.  Pain-free.  Usually turns out not manly at all, and I was kind of going for the manly look pretty cool.  With the hour to paint the glasses, I had plenty of time for my super complex design.

Turned out neat.  I like them.  Pete was a little less wild about having girly beer glasses.

 

Obligatory art + wine photo

While we were finishing up, the MOH, who was sitting across the table from me, was getting super giddy.

“I can’t wait for the surprise!!!!!”

Jess and I were curious, so about 10 minutes before canvas painting began, the MOH whispered/mouthed across the table.

“We’re painting a NUDE MODEL!”

Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?  Did I hear right?  I did.  

I immediately began stress eating (and stress drinking…) the Gardetto’s (and the wine) that I had just put on a plate for Jess and I to share.  Gaaaaaaaaaaawd.  

How awkward!  And uncomfortable!  How was I expected to paint a naked person!? Do stick figures count??  I am a HORRIBLE artist!  Look at the glasses that I painted WITH A Q-TIP.  Can I paint a naked model with a q-tip??

More stress eating/drinking.  Did I mention that I started to sweat profusely?  This whole situation was just soooooo not me.  SO not me.

Jenna did a horrible an AWESOME job of keeping me calm, as usual.

Meanwhile, in walked a male who was mid-twenties in a robe.  The instructor said, “This is John, and we will be painting him.”
I died.  And drank more.  He dropped his robe, took a seat on a stool in the front corner of the room, and there he was, in all of his glory.
The instructor gave us the option to not paint the model.  Oh HELL no.  I was ALL IN at this point.  ALL.  IN.  And so, I painted.
 
I actually had one of the best seats in the room.  Please see my below diagram of how the room was set up.  
 
It’s hard to tell in this picture, but there is a sheen of sweat glistening on my forehead.
I’ll bet you thought that I was going to say that I was facing him directly when I said I had the best seat in the house – you pervs.  
 
The whole time that we were painting, I focused a LOT on the instructor and her direction of what color to put where, etc.  I was DETERMINED to have my painting look like a person, so I followed her instructions EXACTLY.  Poor girl, I made her keep coming over to my canvas and making sure I was mixing the perfect colors.
 
With about 10 minutes to go, the instructor told us to to focus on something on the painting that we wanted to finish, because we were NOT going to be able to finish the whole thing.  My choice was easy.
 
Since I was following EXACTLY what the instructor was telling me to do, and since she was painting the model EXACTLY as he was sitting, I didn’t have anything covering his… private parts.  Other girls were smart and placed the guy’s hands over that area.  Me, not so much.
 
There was no way that I was going to paint what I was being told to paint.  No.  Way.  So I thought for a little bit about what he could be holding in his hands.
 
I settled on a wine bottle, since we were at a wine and paint party, after seriously considering a wrapped present.
 
The results of my picture were:
– To my surprise, he looks shockingly human with abs, pecs, and awesome hipster hair.
 
– Unfortunately, the instructor didn’t show me how to paint the stool he was sitting on.  I made a horrible, horrible attempt at it myself with some poorly chosen brown paint… can you see where this is going?  So I settled on another failed attempt at painting a bench, but since I had to mix colors myself, it just didn’t work out well for anyone.  
 
– Since he’s not sitting on a bench or stool, it looks like he’s doing a little jig, because his knees are bent.
 
– He also looks like an alcoholic since he is holding a wine bottle, with no glass in sight.  Not that there’s anything wrong with drinking straight from the bottle every now and then…
 
– Final summation of the result: He looks like he got a liiiiiiitle too wild at a party, stripped off his clothes, climbed on to the table, and started doing a little jig with his bottle of booze covering his man parts.  Quite the party, it looks like!
 
 
When we were all finished and the model was fully clothed, we took a group picture.  I did my best to not be standing right next to the man that I had just seen naked, but of course that means that I ended up right next to him.  
 
I mean, you can see the resemblance, right??
 
I made his head a little too egg shaped… and his neck a little too long and lean…  But they both have brown hair?  And a nose?
Also, please notice how awkward I am standing next to him.  Just glistening with sweat.
 
Note: the red on my face is NOT sunburn.
I obviously texted Jenna when I was done.
On Sunday driving back up north, I kept chuckling to myself because I just couldn’t believe that in my overnight bag, I had a painting of a naked man that I PAINTED.
 
The most common question I’ve gotten since sharing this story with ANYONE WHO WILL LISTEN BECAUSE IT IS HILARIOUS (including one of my friend’s daughter and son-in-law whom I met about 5 seconds before I started telling the story) is: Where did you put the painting??
 
It’s on my kitchen table, obviously, where else would it be?