Buying a pregnancy test is really awkward when you act like an idiot.

Written earlier in 2014…. Before we were planning on starting a family.

Well.  This is awkward.

So, last night, for the first time in my life, I bought a pregnancy test.  It was… soooo uncomfortable.  So so uncomfortable.  Such is life.

I won’t embarrass myself further with details of how I ended up in Wal-Mart in my workout clothes and Sperry’s after exercising to buy a pregnancy test, but alas, that is where I ended up.

Oh, I should mention that instead of going to the Wal-Mart that was about 3 minutes from where I was, I drove 40 minutes to a different Wal-Mart just in case someone saw me buying pregnancy tests.  (Yes.  TestS.  Plural.  I know that I’m completely neurotic.)

So anyways, I had never bought a pregnancy test before, and I seriously made a super last minute decision (read: when the thought of the possibility of being pretty much un-planned pregnant got into my head, I was like OMG I HAVE TO KNOW RIGHT NOW.) to go buy one.

When I got to Wal-Mart, I sat in my car in the parking lot and Googled because clearly I had not thought this decision through.

best at home pregnancy test

Armed with new found knowledge via the most trusted source on the planet – the internet – I went into Wal-Mart looking like a complete idiot in my sweaty clothes, smeared makeup, and Sperry’s.  Classy.

pregnancytestspregnancytestspregnancytests where are youuuuuuuu?

Oh!  Theeeeeere you areeeee!  Not in the deep dark corner of the store where they should be.  Of COURSE they are in a main intersection of the store.  Not even a side aisle.  Main aisle.  Traffic area.  Gawwwwwwwwwd.

As I was walking towards the tests, I was thinking “What am I so ashamed of?  I am a married woman, and I don’t look like I’m 14 years old.”  Followed by “Is this the first time in my life that I’m going to (purposely) steal something from a store?”  I was seriously considering stealing those suckers.

Instead, I grabbed two different brands of pregnancy tests and put them under my arm… Between my body and between my purse.  Because I’m a complete idiot.  (Note: I described this entire episode to B the next day, and she about peed her pants laughing at me because I not only described the episode…  I re-enacted it.)

I realize that I look like a line-backer in this drawing. I was trying to illustrate my unattractively over-sized workout shirt.

Then I fast-walked to the self-checkout.  And then I fast-walked to my car.

And drove the speed limit home.

Pete was currently out of town during this episode, and my whole drive home I was telling myself that I was going to wait until he got home to take one of the tests because you all know how well I can keep super exciting news a secret… And the last thing I wanted to do was tell Pete that SURPRISE! You’re going to be a DAD! over Skype.

So obviously I took one of the tests the morning after I bought them because shit, I just had to know.

And it was negative and I was slightly bummed because for the less than 24 hours that I thought I might be pregnant I was like “Huh.  I guess we could be parents in 9 months”.  But then I was actually kind of relieved because holy shit, could you imagine me keeping that secret until Pete got home?!



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