6:37 AM

What were YOU doing at 6:37 AM on this fine day in July?  Because I was driving to work.  

At 6:37 this morning, there was a group of punk kids standing around a lone car parked in the Taco Bell parking lot.  High schoolers, seemingly, all smoking their cigs and passing around something (I really have NO idea what it was…) in a brown lunch bag.  Another brown lunch bag with something inside was sitting on the roof of the car.  Maybe it was apple juice?  

They were the typical high schoolers that you see these days.  You know, the too kewl for skewl type.  One girl with pink hair, one with blue hair, one boy with jet black with a tinge of purple hair, and then the boy whose mother needs to take a scissors to his head to cut the dang hair out of his eyes.  They all looked a little greasy with holes in their pants and and super tight tank tops.  And, I know I was driving and all, but I’m pretty sure I saw dark circles under their eyes.  And it looked like they weren’t brushing their teeth regularly.

A few questions came to mind when I drove past these hoodlums:

  • Why the eff aren’t you being typical teenagers and sleeping until noon??  Newsflash!  It’s summer vacay!!  Seriously, take advantage now because someday you’ll (hopefully) have a full time job (that is if you get your shit together) that might not allow for a summer vacation! 
  • Really?  Drinking before 7 AM?  Let’s at least class it up a bit and be drinking a mimosa out of a champagne class.  The paper bags just make it seem so trashy.
  • Can I see your driver’s license?  Because I’m pretty sure you’re not 21.  Or even old enough to buy a pack o’ smokes.  You know what?  I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt and assume that they were bubblegum cigarettes.  Because my friend Travis bought those once, and they look pretty real.  And you look really cool when it’s hanging out of your mouth.  Just like Sandy at the end of Grease.  You can even stomp it out like she does too!!
  • The Taco Bell parking lot was the best place you thought of to smoke and drink with your gang at the crack of dawn?  Wow.  Smart.  I mean, since it’s at the corner of a major road and a strip mall, I’m SURE that if the police officers of Green Bay see you, you’ll have them fooled.  They’ll probably give you a thumbs up for thinking of such an incognito spot to participate in ILLEGAL ACTIVITIES.  What’s that sound, you’re asking?  Oh, that’s just all of the people going to work on the MAJOR HIGHWAY that is almost on TOP of you.  But don’t worry about them.  They probably didn’t notice you either.  High five!!
  • Why are your parents not dragging you by the shaggy, snaggly, greasy hair on your head back to your bed?  Do your parents even know where you ARE?  Did it ever occur to you that maybe they are WORRIED about you?  I’M worried about you, and I don’t even KNOW you!  Where are those extra bibles that I keep in my trunk for times like these?  JESUS LOVES YOU AND CARES ABOUT YOU.  NEVER FORGET THAT.
  • Did you know that underage drinking can lead to underage GETTING PREGNANT??  Guess what.  If you’re pregnant, you won’t be able to fit into that little tank top you’re wearing because your body will swell and your uterus will expand to the size of a large melon because there will be a LIVING BEING GROWING INSIDE OF YOU.  And then you will be all complainey about how you won’t be able to fit into the prom dress that you already had picked out for Prom 2012, and HOW ARE YOU GOING TO SPRING BREAK IN CANCUN???  Forget about making that debut you were hoping for on Girls Gone Wild: Cancun 2012.  Because INFANTS don’t LIKE Cancun OR wearing wet t-shirts.

Do they make these for teenagers?  Because I’m pretty sure that I could spare $40 to buy some for the parents of those poor, lost souls, who are probably still in that Taco Bell parking lot.  That way they can at least punish their devilish children by tying them to a tree outside and making them stay there.  

And yes.  I will read this post to my future children as a bedtime story every night for the entirety of their lives.   

Which will be very short if I ever catch them pulling a stunt like drinking and smoking in a Taco Bell parking lot at 6:37 AM.


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